By Jacqueline Chikakano
I didn't want to miss this opportunity to have my say about a form of violence that makes
me all the more passionate about this subject of violence against women... that
is "marital rape," yes you heard me right... Marital Rape.
Now let me
hasten you say that I am well aware of the numerous moral, traditional,
egotistical and other arguments that mostly men have against this concept of marital rape but for today, I’m sorry but
you will all have to just bear with me
as I say it from where I stand.
So yes,
there is such a thing called marital rape and I’m going to look at a few
reasons why it exists and how it’s affecting women in different ways. Without
getting legalistic at all, I shall for purposes of this discussion describe
marital rape as that situation where a man forcefully has intercourse with his
WIFE against her wish or consent… yes against one's WIFE without her
"consent!"
Now I bet
all you men, especially of African origin, who had to "pay" hefty sums
of money as bride price accompanied by the choicest herd of cattle from your
cattle pen are gasping for breath right now as I speak, out of shock and
possibly anger at what I’m saying i.e. that a man needs to agree with his wife on
when and how they have sex. But unapologetically, I maintain that yes, even in
marriage the two ought to be in agreement as to when and how they have sex and
should the man forcefully take his wife then not only is it wrong and hurtful, but
it is an offence in a number of jurisdictions, including my motherland Zimbabwe.
Marital
rape is one common form of violence that married women across the globe have to
withstand more times and perhaps more often than other forms of violence that
women suffer, mostly without recourse to justice too because it happens in such
privacy and also because women largely find it hard to divulge their family
problems let alone those related to sex and their sexuality.
I think what
makes marital rape even more prevalent is the fact that mostly culture/tradition
and religion do not recognise this form of violence as violence at all. At
church at one time during a meeting; the female speaker said in my language
" nhengo dzese dzemuviri hadzifaniri
kutsamwa nyangwe zvodii" what she was trying to say was that even if
you are angry at each other as a couple, this anger should not affect your
sexual anatomy and desires and that despite being angry at each other, a
couple's sexual life must go on....really, really..?? A penny for your thought
on that one.
On the
other hand the proponents of culture and tradition also preach that "baba havanyimwe nyangwe zvodini"
meaning that no matter what...the man must have sex when and how he wants it...but
what about me the woman and how I feel at that particular time? Doesn’t it
matter at all?
It is in my
belief that these traditional/ cultural and religious beliefs have spoiled men
to believe they can violate a woman in that way just because she is his wife. A
few men that i have probed on this subject maintain with shocking confidence
and self belief that sex with their wives is a "right" to be enjoyed
at all costs regardless of circumstances.
But then I
think to myself, fine culture/tradition and religion have a lot of
blame in this but at the same time I cant help but also lay the blame
sorely at the feet of those men who are into this deplorable practice of
forcibly having entercourse with their wives. i have since come to
the conclusion that such men lack
respect for and appreciation
of women and are also simply weak as well as largely not up to their
game in terms of "handling" their wives i.e. they just don't know
how to put their wives into the right and conducive mood for entercourse because speaking as a woman if a man knows
his stuff then without a
doubt the use of force on the marriage
bed is absolutely unnecessary.
But then
such men are also lazy and havent invested time and effort in learning
their wives and what puts them into song, hence they resort to the
easiest and cowardly way out, which is to take their wives by force.
yet..its simple really , you just gotta know your woman, and there won't be any need to use force and
violate a woman in that way. Instead sex
can be had as and when and how both partners wish within the
marriage... if only men would master this and some.
However, if
you men out there feel differently about all this please do feel free
to share with us the other side of the story. Otherwise for me, the
issue here is simple, marital rape exists. Infact maybe more than other
forms of violence suffered by women.
Aside from it being morally,
physically and legally wrong...the saddest part for me is how it
more often than not leads to other forms
of violence that women suffer such
as emotional, psychological as well as physical abuse. It also leads
to other related consequences such as
women contracting sexually
transmitted diseases and HIV because that room to negotiate when and
how she has entercourse is not there.
So as
we commemorate these 16 days of activism
against gender based violence...lets
spare a thought for the plight of many a married women across the
globe especially because very few of them get to speak out about it. To all you
married men out there, don't you even
dare sugarcoat it... NO means NO
...when you take her by force its RAPE and there is no nicer way
of describing it other than by what it is..... The next time you force
yourself on her just remember the gravity of the violation you are perpetrating on her...here is hoping we see an end to this form of
violence and any others against women.
End
*This article was written for the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence.
*Ms. Chikakano is a former Magistrate and trained lawyer, who currently works for the Media Institute of Southern Africa (MISA) Zimbabwe Chapter.
